Cap92977's Blog

praying for the fruits of the spirit (journey to the center of Christ)

cap92977 — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 17:11:05 +0000

So I have decided that there is so much unrest in my heart and mind, I am reminded continuously lately that I need to pray for the fruits of the spirit. Not that this is all inclusive…this means so many different things. This means increasing my time with God, asking that His will TRULY be my will. We cannot just ask God to give us fruits if we do not have the roots (oh and that rhymes…please quote me on that one! lol!) As God tells us, we have to have our roots deeply planted in God to be able to bear His fruits, He is our water and nourishment! It would be like planting a dead peach tree in the middle of the desert and hoping that would be enough for it to bear fruit, it just won’t work. So this is my journey…my journey to the center of Christ. In doing so I will be asking and learning about a new fruit each week…possibly longer if it deems. There is no end to this journey, but I am seeing from my life that I live in constant insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time). I go from times of being okay to times of major anxiety over someone else, what they are thinking, if they are mad at me, if they like me, if they hate me, do I annoy them, blah blah blah. So I am tired of this. Its no ones fault but my own. God has blessed me with a tender heart and spirit, but coupled with insecurity this lovely gift He blessed with me with comes anxiety and insanity. So God and I are taking my life back. I am so excited. He provides us what we need and promises us that if HE starts a work in us, HE will provide ALL WE NEED to complete it!

I hope you will join me in my journey, I am going to start praying that God reveal the first fruit to study and pray over. I will update as soon as I know!!

Thanks for reading this….

CAP

why blog….?? will you reject me??

cap92977 — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 06:11:50 +0000

Why blog? who thought of this idea? who cares about what any random person has to say about a random subjuct….anyone?? we are putting our words, heart, thoughts and should out on the world-wide web for whom to read? in my case probably no one…but its fun to write anyway. nothing special tonight…i am trying to go to bed but for some reason found myself amped up and wanted to write a blog. i have so many thoughts in my head right now about life! i am just starting a journey to become less afraid of rejection. Sure everyone hates and fears rejection…. but i feel that it is a handicap for me in my life! i fear it so much that i do not do or say things that i know i should. I can’t flirt with someone i actually find attractive to save my life! i am so worried they will be grossed out, or start throwing up! haha…its so silly when i write it but i can’t help it! i have struggled with my weight my entire life…i remember being so young and not understanding why i had to be fat! i would cry out to God to make me thin…. it never happened! now i am 32 and still about 40 to 50 lbs overweight… in the last 4 years i lost 80 lbs then gained back 25 due to Starbucks…which I need to quit, but I LOVE it!! Its my boyfriend right now… I CAN”T QUIT YOU!!! haha… anyway…but because of my weight, i am sure people do not like me because of it. When I walk into a room I will always take mental note of everyone else and their body…am I the biggest girl here?? its terrible! you never get used the being told you are pretty and if you just lose weight! AAAAHHH!! Why?? Am I not beautiful now??? Will I not be the same person if I lose 40 lbs?? But I think the answer to that actually is NO, I won’t be the same person! Because like it or not, we are a society that LOVES beauty and a fit toned body…and we judge each other and ourselves on those things. So if i don’t feel beautiful because of my weight then more than likely it will have an effect on how I behave for sure. That boost of confidence I had in losing the initial 80 lbs was HUGE. But… if society wasn’t how it is…maybe then this would not be my battle…but thats not reality. and whether or not I think people should or should not judge on these things, THEY DO, WE DO, I DO! If we are truly honest with ourselves…we all do! I mean look what I said earlier…I judge everyone in the room…and if there is someone bigger will I not feel relieved? Not that I think any less of that person at all, but now I won’t be the biggest! I HATE it, so superficial. I have found also that I feel guilty around women that are heavier than me now….I downgrade how hard I really did have to work to get here…because I remember wearing a size 22 and looking at everyone smaller and being so jealous! I don’t ever want anyone to feel that way around me.

So I am finally taking control over the things in my life that hold me back and make me feel not good enough…I will continue my current training schedule… I work out 6 days a week from 1 hour (only fridays) to 4 hours…I train in self-defense, fighting and hardcore fitness classes. Really its crazy with as much as i excercise that I am not 100 lbs…but because i have had a hard time of letting go of my absolute love, adoration and loyalty to food, i have maintained a “thicker” figure :0) but i have been journeying down a road of vegan/vegitarianism…and a little raw food. This is 100% then my normal diet so it is taking me some getting used to…but so far I try to eat vegan most of the meals during the week…now I haven’t lost weight yet (that i can tell from my clothes… i don’t have a scale). But I FEEL better, less tired etc. We will see how it goes….I will NOT be sitting here next Christmas as fat as I am today…. NO WAY…I am pledging this to the dark world out there that no one is reading….!!!

Passions….

cap92977 — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 06:16:11 +0000

So it seems that I have a lot to say in life about anything and everything…. along with all I have to say also comes an intense amount of passion for everything. As a young person this passion was exploding out of me, I was an activist for everything! Anything and everything that I wanted to change about the world, I truly believed that I could, I would tell anyone that would listen and I would argue my point. At some unknown time of my life though, I became disillusioned to it all. My young, naive, and vision filled glasses came off, I started learning that people didn’t care and that my little voice seemed to mean nothing…so slowly I decided that I was too small to do anything and that no one cared anyway. I also felt that if I couldn’t solve it all then why bother. Thankfully about two months ago I was in my wonderful hometown of San Diego, California and went down to the beach, my favorite place in the world, La Jolla Cove, I went to a place we locals call Seal Beach (not the one in L.A.) and saw that there were people there trying to get the locals laws and changed to keep that section, where the seals come and hang out, from being a public swimming area as it was keeping the seals from going up there and having their babies etc. I wanted to help, of course not living there all I really could do would be to give money, which I did, but it made me realize that these people care about something and they are activily doing something about it. It also became clear to me that with all the passion I have for injustices happening in the world, it is irresponsible for me to NOT do something, no matter how big or small.

So then I come to what do I care about….. hhhhhuuummmm oh my goodness, I care about A LOT! I care deeply about people, their feelings and them being treated poorly. I care about children and their sweet and beautiful innocence and how that can be painfully stolen from them in so many different ways. I care about organ donation and how one unfortunate passing of one person can litterally save hundreds of lives from every single organ (including eyes!), to pints of blood and blood cells in their bodies. I care about this earth we live on…. the complete disregard for it and our resourses (over negligent use of water, plastic etc). I care deeply about animals both misuse and mistreatment of animals with no voice at all and the endangered species, contribulting the delicline of the orignal circle of life that our world runs off of. I care about women and them learning never to be a victim of violence or personal abuse to themselves or from someone they love. I care about the adoption laws in this country, I think they are terrible and in need of serious reform. I care about cancer, everytype types and finding a cure or if you have cancer what types of foods are out there that can maybe help cure your cancer. The list goes on and on…

Where do I begin this path to curing all the world’s problems? First I have to realize that I can chose to play a part so that is what I am doing. Next I started researching…. organizations for me to get involved in…. I started with animal rights, of course you can only imagine what organization I looked at first… you guessed it PETA, but they are not a good match for my beliefs at all, however I found a wonderful site from them called Be Nice to Bunnies and it is a site for referance for cosmetic companies that do and do not test on animals. Then I looked at WWF for the endagered species and that is a wonderful orgnazation from what I can see at this point, however its become so big that it appears that unless you work for them you can only help by giving money, which is great but I love getting in and getting my hands dirty, more of a grass roots kinda girl…. so again I am left feeling like where do I start. So I am starting with this blog…. I doubt anyone will ever read/care about my blog but I have to get my voice out there….also I expect some critisism for something I wrote, because as a society doesn’t that seem to be a popular past time, critisim (thats another thing I care about? Why can’t we be kinder to each other) But what I really want to know is this…. from the people I have personally spoken to I am finding that there is not a lot of passion for anything outside of their own lives…. now I am not knocking this as its so easy to get wrapped up in it….but I have a friend that is a busy mother of three young children and is married, she cares passionatly about politics and she attended a peacefull rally/demonstation a few weeks ago. I was really proud of her, she cares and wants to make a difference so she did. So back to my question…. if there is something that someone cares about, anything at all (outside of their own life) and if there is, what is it? Are you activily involved in it in anyway shape or form (i.e. do you give money to WWF or volunteer building homes for people less fortunate)…etc. If not, why?? lastly, if you could tell someone what you care about and they could do some research and tell you how you can get involved at some level, big or small, would you do it??? Why or why not?? Where do your passions and heart lay?

If anyone took the time to read this, thank you! I have more to say…. I will see how things develope and continue to write about my experiences and see where this goes… my final thought is this…. we always say that we will start something next monday or next week/month/year…but those days never come….if we care about something, anything, lets do it now, make that day today!

CAP

07/23/09